he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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