Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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