If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
