I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
