I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
