Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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