remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
