cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
So squirting runs in the family.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
