You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
