While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
