I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
