Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
