if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
