right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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