i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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