Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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