I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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