don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
