a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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