the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
