I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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