Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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