My liver just broke up with me...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
