everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
