you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
