my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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