i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
