I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
