im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
