eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
