I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize