mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I wear drunk well.
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