I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I will be naked everywhere
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
