I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
