I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
