Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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