I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
