Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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