i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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