Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just tell him i said nine months
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize