proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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