I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
