So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
