They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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