is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
