I puked a lego.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
