I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
