Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Randomize
