no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
