I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
