I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
