He uses pillows to masturbate.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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