My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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