i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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