the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
