Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
