When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
