the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
