I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
