By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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