Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
FUCK WHALES
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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