He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
