the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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