remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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